Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The half a percent solution

How does one get through this manufactured holiday without folding to the saccharine cravings planted by the greeting card industry? Statistics, my friend.

Assume my conservative guesstimate of the nation's stupid is correct; feeling generous, I'm putting that number at about 80 percent. So they're out of the equation. That leaves 20 percent eligible dates. Cut that figure in half, unless you're bisexual. Ten percent of the population remains. Assume 10 percent of that 10 percent are gay. That leaves one percent. Considering that's a desired group, that puts my odds at finding a suitable mate for Valentine's in the infantesimal range.

So it's not my fault I'm doing laundry on the eve of my birthday (Valentine's has always gotten in the way with the weeklong celebration that should accompany the anniversary of my prison break from the womb).

Now if I did have company tonight, this is the soundtrack that would accompany ... well, you know:

*"In a Funny Way" --- Mercury Rev
*"Look Through My Window" --- The Mamas and the Papas
*"Strange Magic" --- ELO
*"I'm Falling" and "In Dreams" --- Roy Orbison
*"Blown Away" --- The Pixies
*"La Mer" --- Charles Trenet
*"If You Want Me to Stay" --- Sly and the Family Stone
*"When I Live My Dream" --- David Bowie
*"I Wanna Be Adored" --- Stone Roses
*"#9 Dream" --- John Lennon
*"Never My Love" --- The Association
*"Crazy Love" --- Marianne Faithful
*"Sitting by the Riverside" --- The Kinks
*"Tiger Lily" --- Luna
*"Dancing in the Dark" --- Fred Astaire
*"Falling from Grace" --- Gentle Waves
*"I'll Be Your Mirror" --- Velvet Underground
*"It's Hard to Turn Me On" --- Quasi
*"I Kissed You" --- The Everyly Brothers
*"Field of Fire" --- For Stars
*"Stay Forever" --- Ween
*"Moonchild" --- Cibo Matto
*"Don't Worry Baby" --- The Beach Boys
*"Open Up Your Heart" --- The Rapture

Oh, those stubborn grass stains!

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