Number seven

Time for a new entrant into my count-up of crappy songs of the nineties. And to clarify -- I'm sticking with alt-rock tunes, the dominant format of the decade (for those wondering why Ace of Base haven't shown up yet, or Billy Ray Cyrus).

I'm not overlooking the dames, however. Our inaugural female: Jewel, with "You Were Meant for Me."

And while on the subject of Jewel, the Malcontent brings back a long-dormant feature -- sins against literature committed by overbearing celebs, otherwise known as the Ethan Hawke Award. As you may remember, Jewel writes poetry, too. Very, very badly.

"Me"

I have firm breasts

I have lips that always smile

I have veins that bleed

I laugh when I'm nervous

I feel the pain of others

but cry for no reason

I like open flame

I've been selfish since a child

I'm from Alaska

but hate the cold

I've cheated on diets

I've faked applications

But I still bleed

and my lips still smile

and my breasts won't

always be firm

I'm still waiting for Sean Penn to apologize -- he discovered Jewel.