Can JLo speak through her teeth?

I doubt it. Regardless, she's been officially cast as Sue Ellen Ewing in the sure-to-be-godforsaken big screen remake of "Dallas." Can she fill Linda Gray's formidable heels? No way.

Then there's John Travolta, who'll be donning J.R.'s Stetson for the movie version. Not buying that, either.

British director Gurinder Chadha is the unlikely choice to helm the film; her credits include the cutesy "Bend it Like Beckham," and she's also working on a remake of "I Dream of Jeannie." Obviously her standards aren't that high.

Or maybe she has a thing for Larry Hagman ("Jeannie's" Major Nelson). Whatever Chadha's motivation, I smell celluloid disaster.

Filming on "Dallas" is due to start in October, with the movie slated for a late 2007 release.