Friday, May 05, 2006

Lies and the lying liar who tells them

I am a gifted misleader, one of the hidden benefits of growing up gay in a Southern Baptist household. Lie or die, figuratively speaking.

These days I try to keep the deceptions harmless, intending only a comedic benefit. That being said, here's three of my greatest fibs:

3.) Ashton Kutcher does "Repo Man"

Victim: Al Kosa

Source: Hollywood remakes

So I convince Al that Tinsletown is revisiting one of his favorites, the 1983 film classic, "Repo Man," with Ashton Kutcher assuming the Emilio Estevez role (and the double E inheriting Harry Dean Stanton's character). I kept it going for about two years. Whenever I brought it up, Al would unleash a predictable torrent of obscenities.

2.) The coffee table Bible

Victim: Ms. Ellie

Source: Wedding gift from the in-laws

As her marriage to Bobby Bubbles drew nigh, I convinced Ms. Ellie that Bobby's parents would be handing down the oversized family Bible. Believable, in that Bobby hails from strongly religious stock, just like the Malcontent. I let that one fester for about two months.

1.) The stripper

Victim: Al Kosa (unintended)

Source: Too much booze

This one's a bit more complex, but it demonstrates my uncanny ability to lie on my feet. Anyways, there's this gal Al and I know -- let's call her Trace -- who is not our biggest fan. (She accused me of pretending to be queer just so I could make fun of gay people). Said prudish female had previously accused Al of being a gossip -- far from the truth.

The scene: a party at Markie Post's house. I'm stuck chatting with Trace when an opening presents itself, and of course I can't resist: "Al tells me you used to do some stripping on the side." Predictably, Trace blew up like a bullfrog, turned and left. I never had a chance to tell her I was only kidding.

Flash forward a couple of hours. I had passed out. Al arrives solo at the soiree, all happy-go-lucky, until he's confronted by Trace's boyfriend: "Why are you telling everyone my girlfriend is a stripper?" Al had no idea what he was talking about.

I could've cleared everything up but, as mentioned, I had retired to the boudoir. I haven't seen Trace since -- last I heard, she was plotting my death -- but the anecdote survives.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, you are magically malicious! My wife hates it when I lie to her, but its ususally something like...

    "The romans used worship the eggplant as a symbol of Zeus. That's why their ships are shaped like them."


    "The Department of Education was formed to mainly collect and provide yearbooks to the FBI."

    You know, the kind of thing that sounds right, but would get you made fun of if repeated.