My name is ATL malcontent, and I'm a mentally ill heterosexual

That's what many in the Christian right would conclude:

The ex-gay movement considers same-sex attraction to be a gender-identity disorder, brought on by inadequate parenting, unmet emotional needs and, often, childhood sexual abuse.

Mainstream associations of psychiatrists and psychologists resoundingly reject that model, but the ex-gay movement promotes it through groups such as the National Assn. for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. That group's president, psychologist Joseph Nicolosi, opened a recent conference for men and women seeking to overcome homosexuality with a ringing statement:

"There is no such thing as a homosexual. We are all heterosexual. Our body was designed for the opposite sex."

I'll overlook the obvious slap in the face and note another victim of these rhetorical grenades -- the parents of gay kids. They're being told, with no subtlety, that they failed miserably as mothers and fathers. What else would explain a homosexual scion? Dealing with a queer son or daughter is difficult enough -- hopefully, one day, it won't be -- and parents don't deserve the blame.

No one does. Homosexuality just is. Like being blond, or redheaded, tall or short. Is it that hard to understand?

I had good parents. Most of my emotional needs were met. And I was never inappropriately touched.

So what explains me?

The audience of more than 700 sat rapt in the pews of a Fort Lauderdale church. Some held Bibles. Others took notes. Nicolosi went on to tell them that fathers could help their sons stay straight by bonding through rough-and-tumble games, such as tossing them in the air.

"Even if [the dad] drops the kid and he cracks his head, at least he'll be heterosexual," Nicolosi said, chuckling. "A small price to pay."

Sorry to screw with your theories, Dr. Nick, but I played sports. Liked 'em. Still do. I even recall wrestling with my dad a time or two.

You're running out of rationales.

Better said, you're a bigot, er, hatemonger. Your side doesn't mince words, so why should I? Frankly, I'm tired of dealing with small-minded paranoia.

See you at the next Queer Nation rally.