As long as we got each other

Praise be Olifant -- the vodka of Holland -- for steering me to the made-for-bad-TV movie, "Left Behind," based on the popular series of fundamentalist books chronicling the world's end. And to think, minus tonight's alcohol intake, I would've missed out on the Christian version of "Valley of the Dolls" (a backhanded compliment, but a compliment nonetheless).

While there's no scenes of a young Patty Duke wandering drunk through the streets of New York, bemoaning the influence of "boobies," you do get to witness Kirk Cameron potray a crusading journalist/savior of all mankind. The Malcontent camp scale rates them evenly.

Still, as hard as the son of Alan Thicke and Joanna Kerns tries, he's no match for the Antichrist, an effete Russian named Nikolai whose affected accent veers wildly between bad Slavic and even worse French. His chief ally: the United Nations, the Christian right's favorite punching bag. Sure, they can't feed the hungry, or organize against consensus fascists, but somehow, one day, the UN will help facilitate world domination. I guess prophecy doesn't have to make sense.

Cash quote, from one of the film's heroes: "We must not let closed-minded religious fanatics divide us anymore."

Never underestimate the power of metaphor.