Saturday, May 06, 2006

The Malcontent's summer movie preview

Here's what I won't be seeing:

"X-Men: The Last Stand": I'm not 14, I'm not a sci-fi geek and I hate comic books that take themselves seriously;

"The Omen": Julia Stiles is in it, so there's always the danger we'll have to watch her dance. However, Mia Farrow as the Satanic nanny is interesting casting;

"Poseidon": Who's inherited the Shelley Winters role? A pale imitation I'm sure, just the like this remake is bound to be;

"The Da Vinci Code": It's possible I might get sucked into the hype, but Ron Howard has a knack for turning even the most intriguing material into milquetoast;

"An Inconvenient Truth": It's the environment, stupid! Unfortunately, Al Gore thinks it's about him, so I'll skip his quest for Manbearpig (see: "South Park," two weeks ago);

"The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift": No explanation necessary;

"The Lake House": Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock reunite in a romantic drama. Who asked for this?;

"Nacho Libre": Someone please explain Jack Black -- the fat Robin Williams -- to me;

"Click": Adam Sandler discovers a remote control that magically lets him control his work and home life. Not the first, nor last time, I'll say it: I'd rather be locked in a bathroom for two hours with nothing to read before watching Adam Sandler do anything, unless it was a snuff film;

"Peaceful Warrior": An injured gymnast (Scott Mechlowicz) works to heal body and spirit with help from a mysterious mentor (Nick Nolte). I like Nolte, but I don't see him pulling off a Mr. Miyagi role;

"Little Man": Brothers Keenen Ivory, Marlon and Shawn Wayans tell the tale of a man who mistakes a diminutive crook for his adopted son. One Wayans brother is usually enough to ensure crap, but all three together virtually clinch it;

"A Scanner Darkly": Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr. and Winona Ryder star in Richard Linklater's sci-fi tale of an undercover drug cop in the future. I've avoided all of Keanu's sci-fi flicks, and that's served me quite well;

"Lady in the Water": M. Night Shyamalan ("The Sixth Sense") spins a fantasy about a water nymph (Bryce Dallas Howard) and a jaded loner (Paul Giamatti). "Sixth Sense" was one of the most overrated films of the last 10 years. Shyamalan is even more overrated;

"Step Up": Channing Tatum plays a juvenile delinquent whose life turns around when he discovers his love of dance. Young Channing is quite a looker, but do we really need another story about someone discovering a love of dance? How many times can you re-make "Strictly Ballroom?";

"Zoom": An out-of-shape ex-superhero (Tim Allen) trains a group of kids as the next batch of world saviors. I don't know anyone who finds Tim Allen funny, or at least anyone who'd admit it. Would you?;

"How to Eat Fried Worms": The new kid at school tries to win the respect of classmates by accepting a dare to eat 10 worms. Yeah, that's worth 90 minutes of celluloid;

"Invincible": A substitute teacher and bartender (Mark Wahlberg) earns a Cinderella slot on a pro football team during open tryouts. They made this movie a decade ago, "The Replacements." It sucked then, but at least this version doesn't feature Keanu.

My recommended list is much, much shorter. Stay tuned.

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