I've obtained some footage from the new Mr. T self-help show "I Pity the Fool," in which our favorite black, bejeweled, Mohawk-coffied former bodyguard-turned-80s TV star travels the country dispensing advice and inspiration.
Can't share the video (damn contractural obligations), but here's a sample from the premiere episode transcript, featuring a drug-addled agoraphobic in Peoria seeking T's guidance:
"Mr. T, I just ... well, you see ... I'm afraid to go outside. There. I said it! I don't even like to look out the window."
T: "That's foolish talk, sucka!"
"But, you don't understand. I've ... I've been addicted to prescription painkillers for several years now and ...
T: "Drugs are for fools. You a fool?"
"No, I just can't ..."
T: "Can't what? That's a fool's excuse. Stay off drugs!"
"But my mother ..."
T: "Your mother? You better treat her right."
"No, my mother, she was an alcoholic and ..."
T: "I'm getting tired of your jibber jabber. You wastin' my time, fool!"
Might I suggest adding Arch Bishop Don Magic Juan (there will never be a better moniker, so don't even try) to the mix as T's sidekick/foil?