Tourist wars

Not to be outdone by their neighbors to the north, Birmingham city officials announced today they will break ground on a state-of-the-art museum recognizing TV puppet "Madame," star of the 1982 syndicated hit "Madame's Place" and a frequent guest on "Solid Gold."

"Wayland Flowers (Madame's puppeteer) may be gone," said Birmingham Mayor Bernard Kincaid in announcing the new tourist attraction, "but his creation lives on. I've spent many a night laughing at the ribald antics of 'Madame,' and now her tradition of bawdy humor can be shared with generations to come.

"Birmingham is a cosmopolitan, culturally diverse city, and I think the Madame museum provides further proof of just how far we've come."

Kincaid was joined at the announcement by former "Madame's Place" cast members Judy Landers (of the famed "Landers twins") and Corey Feldman, who said he was happy just to be out of the house. "I've always loved Birmingham," said the ugly Corey, who portrayed "Buzzy" on the show. "Best blow this side of the Mississippi."

Landers, meanwhile, says her work on "Madame's Place" was among the finest of her career, even though "Madame always took the best jokes. But that's okay. I'm not really good at knowing what's funny or not. Audrey (her sister) is the funny one."