Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Jobs in Valhalla

Inspired by Night Planet landlord Stanley Roper, the Malcontent offers its own list of jobs that suck (a couple of which are based on personal experience):

We agree on:

*Telemarketer (no description needed)

*Crystal meth dealer (bad hours)

*Math teacher (like herding cats, plus we hate math)

*Car salesman (no description needed)

*Pyramid schemer (or "Octagons of Opportunity," as Malcontenter Bobby Bubbles calls them)

*Assistant to any Hollywood star (wiping away Halle Berry's tears, no thanks!)

*School guidance counselor (major in whatever the fuck you want in college, it's annoying to hear about)

*Anything at a Junior High/High School (After 11 years old is the "age of the turkey" as the Spanish say)

*Concessionaire (endless stairs, beer bellies, sore throats from yelling "Beah heah")

*Soup factory worker (all that clam chowder stirring, screw that!)

*Massage therapist (intimate touching with anyone who pays, sounds familiar)

***Most of the above comments are compliments of Stanley. He left little room for improvement.

To his list, I'd add:

*Tax attorney (taxes + lawyers = suicide)

*Accountant (numbers, numbers everywhere ... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!)

*Sanitation worker (natch)

*Nanny (dealing with brats, changing diapers, no corporal punishment!)

*Proctologist (natch; can't even stand porn close-ups)

*Publicist (everything is great!)

*Activist (trafficking in cliche)

*Diversity coordinator (trafficking in cliche)

*Motivational speaker (my thesis script at USC was about the kidnapping of a self-help guru, so you know where I stand)

*Awards show writer (you, too, could be the next Bruce Vilanch)

*Local government reporter (been there, still scarred by those eight hour-long Clarke County Commission meetings)

*Disney temp (two of the longest weeks of my life)


*Mascot (walking around in a Pluto costume all day, entertaining children, taking picures with fat tourists ... welcome to Hell!)

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