Friday, March 24, 2006

Introducing ... TINY!

Pardon this gratuitous attempt at motivation, but I've yet to bag my white whale, and the clock is ticking. While I had a few bites in Hollywood, my wild oats got in the way of any fruition. That, and my distaste for taking meetings.

Oh yeah, and I can't draw worth shit. I briefly secured the services of an animator who had worked on "Ren and Stimpy," but it ain't easy getting people to draw for free.

"Tiny" is my baby, an animated series following its namesake, the patriarch of the Toots family dynasty in Pfafftown (located in South Georgia). TINY's dad was millionaire entreprenuer Earl Toots, who started a chain of all-you-can-eat buffets, "Lazy Susan's" (so named for its revolving chow line). Tiny is in his late 30s, unmarried and still a virgin. He lives well below his means, in the house where he was raised, along with sister ROWENA (whose size leaves her confined to the bedroom, where she operates a psychic hotline and pens Pfafftown's only feminist newsletter) and his brother RONNIE (a crossdresser who works under the name "Mint Julep." Nonetheless, he claims to be straight).

Living next door is Tiny's uncle, MISTER DUKES, a cantakerous former six-time local Emmy award-winning weatherman whose "Geritol" dependence has left him broke and disgraced; he now works as a clerk at the local Gas Pantry. About the only pleasure he gets are those occassional wild nights out with THE COLONEL, a debaucherous dilettante who spends much of his time in Thailand.

While extremely simple-minded, Tiny possesses a wealth of contradictions. He is president, and sole member, of the local PFLAG chapter, yet he belongs to Pfafftown's First Primitive Baptist Church. Despite being the richest man in town, his only mode of transportation is a vintage people mover he purchased from Six Flags. And what explains his ever-present Margaret Cho T-shirt?

Family means everything to Tiny, and he's able to overlook their many flaws thanks to an unfailingly sunny disposition. Besides Mister Dukes (his mother's brother), there is his paternal uncle BOCEPHUS (a raging alcoholic), his wife, DEBBIE (who has collected every transcript from the "Sally Jessy Raphael" show), COUSIN TIPPY (Pfafftown's only meter maid and the alleged mother of Mister Dukes' child) and her brother, GRANDE, Mister Dukes' "Geritol" supplier.


CLINT (a.k.a. ZIGGY), an African-American Trekkie who's always trying to get Tiny to play Dungeons and Dragons, and other such fantasy games. Tiny is usually willing;

BOBBY BUBBLES: Tiny's best friend, a local car salesman and pyramid schemer (or "octagons of opportunity," as he calls them);

MUDCRUNCH: Tiny's hippie cousin. Tiny has lots of cousins, and many of them are semi-famous, and Jewish. No explanation, really, but Tiny is particularly fond of COUSIN HARVEY FIERSTEIN, an third-rate entertainer who travels the country with his fellow crusaders for tolerance, the E.Q.U.A.L.I.T.Y. players ("It's an acronym, you know: Everyone Qualifies Under Affirmative Lifestyles Independent of Tyranny ... YENTL!")

MARY AND BARRY OUTZ: Tiny's chirpy friends, very All-American and big fans of the recordings of Kathie Lee Gifford. They have a son, CHAD, who fronts a boy band Tiny manages (with interference from Mr. Dukes) called, appropriately enough, CHAD (all the members are named, appropriately enough, Chad);

PAT CAVANAUGH: an overly shill greeter at the local Wal-Mart, who confides in Tiny about the troll living in her basement. "He looks just like PAUL WILLIAMS," she says, in reference to the vertically challenged 1970s singer/actor, a frequent guest on "The Love Boat";

SUNSHINE: Ronnie's jubilant "friend." (Sample line: Sunshine meets Mr. Dukes ... SUNSHINE: "Hi, I'm Sunshine." MR. DUKES: "I'm mostly cloudy with a good chance of thunderstorms.");


RANDY and TRUDY McGOUCHEY: Local real estate tycoons who've been featured, more than once, on HBO's "Real Sex."

I hope you've enjoyed this foray into the Malcontent's fertile, and unprofitable, imagination. Coming soon to a cable access channel near you!

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