Friday, December 23, 2005

Home for the holidays


I'm posting, with permission, an e-mail received from a good pal of mine out in L.A., who, by the way, has some particularly twisted Richard Simmons anecdotes from her days as a ghostwriter (Richard really, really likes Mammy from "Gone with the Wind" ... if only I could share more on that topic). As is the case with most of the Malcontent's "inner circle," Linda finds humor in even the most tragic of circumstances. All the best, L.P.:

Just got back from my sister's death and funeral. Not fun. But we did have a family-circle-prayer moment with the hospice nurse in her bright, red Budweiser jacket and my niece's beagle, in the circle, jumping up and barking at the preacher as he implored the Devil to leave my sister's body. Ah, Boonville, Indiana. What a trip.

What about the cut of his gib?


"Everyone could learn to like the things I like if only they tried hard enough."

---Aspiring bon vivant Wm. Stowe Richards, a.k.a. Reginald van Osteen

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Season's greetings from Frogtown


Another mountain dispatch from Candice Dyer ...

The other day, while eating sushi in Gainesville (a dumb idea from the get-go), the young, earnest, eager-to-please chef was hovering over me as I ate. After each bite, he'd ask, "Good, dear?" and bow deferentially. I'd nod and smile as I chewed. I had to force myself not to retch when I realized that the yellowtail had gone bad. I didn't want to risk a night of food poisoning, but I also didn't want to hurt his feelings. He turned his head for just a nanosecond, so I whisked all of the sushi into my purse to avoid eating it.

Then I proceeded to forget about it, only to discover the next evening, as I reached into the abyss for lipstick, that everything was covered in oily, spoiled, putrified fish gunk. Everything including my stash of Lortabs, which had spilled out. Did Liza Minelli have days like this?

Monday, December 19, 2005

Insensitive asshole of the year


Could Tom DeLay be an even easier mark than Scientology and Pat O'Brien?

"Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?" --House Majority Leader DeLay (R-TX), to three young hurricane evacuees from New Orleans at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept. 9, 2005.

Scary man of the year


I'm going with the "doctor" who founded eHarmony.com, Neil Clark Warren.

He's the overly ebullient white-haired guy you see on the commericals for the Internet mate line. There's something frighteningly Stepford about this man.

Fraud of the year


For all those who dream of looking like a fat, middle-aged, bald charlatan, there is finally hope: the Dr. Phil diet book, a bestseller in '05.

Strange that the guy on the left is the one writing about weight loss.

Sleaze of the year


My end-of-the-year lists come sporadically, typically when I can't think of anything else to write.

There's really no need to name a sleaze of the year, since it never changes. Could you not fry bacon off of TV infotainer Pat O'Brien? Has there ever been a more repellent personality??

I thought this before the sex and coke scandal that almost sabotaged his career this past year. But Pat went on "Dr. Phil" and cried and everything was okay. Now he's back on TV, scaring children, old people and me.

There's a Scientology bunker in New Mexico


Sounds like a a great punchline ...

But there are actually crop circles in New Mexico forming the logo of the Church of Scientology.

According to the Washington Post: "The archiving project, which the church has acknowledged, includes engraving Hubbard's writings on stainless steel tablets and encasing them in titanium capsules. It is overseen by a Scientology corporation called the Church of Spiritual Technology."

Naturally, Scientology tried to quash the story, originally broadcast by an Albuquerque TV station.

So what are the crop circles meant to convey? "Former Scientologists familiar with Hubbard's teachings on reincarnation say the symbol marks a 'return point' so loyal staff members know where they can find the founder's works when they travel here in the future from other places in the universe.

'As a lifetime staff member, you sign a billion-year contract. It's not just symbolic,' said Bruce Hines of Denver, who spent 30 years in Scientology but is now critical of it. 'You know you are coming back and you will defend the movement no matter what. . . . The fact that they would etch this into the desert to be seen from space, it fits into the whole ideology.'

Recall if you will that Scientology traces most of mankind's woes to an evil alien lord named Xenu, a galactic holocaust perpetrated 75 million years ago, and, uh, the field of psychiatry. (The latter is a particular concern, as all of America now knows, of movie star Tom Cruise.)

The church maintains two other vaults in California to preserve Hubbard's materials and words, according to Hines and another longtime staff member who also quit a couple of years ago, Chuck Beatty of Pittsburgh.

'The whole purpose of putting these teachings in the underground vaults was expressly so that in the event that everything gets wiped out somehow, someone would be willing to locate them and they would still be there,' said Beatty, who spent 28 years in Scientology. Some loyalists are tasked specifically with the 'super-duper confidential' job of coming back to Earth in the far-off future, he added.
"

Is there an easier target?

What about dangerously true believer Jenna Elfman, whom you probably don't remember as the really annoying blonde from that show that used to be on TV for years but no one ever watched, "Dharma and Greg?" Here's some choice rantings from the latest issue of "Celebrity" magazine, a Scientology publication.

Not a damn ounce of subtlety in those people!

Boycott Georgia!


If you're following the lead of Alabama and Arkansas, well, you know where that's going to end. "50th in education" ... oh, that's us. The proud state of Georgia, the latest to join the "Boycott Aruba" campaign.

Our governor, Sonny Perdue (go ahead, laugh), doesn't do much, but when he does choose proactivity, it's usually a bust. Like when he canceled school during the post-Katrina gasonline "crisis." No buses, no gas, he figured, forgetting the fact all the parents will be driving those state-sponsored delinquents to the movies, the mall, etc. And when you trail Mississippi in anything, it's best not to be canceling school.

But that's our Sonny: "This boycott is necessary because Aruban authorities have failed to conduct a serious investigation" of the teen's disappearance. We have no quarrel with good citizens of Aruba, but the actions of their leaders cannot be taken lightly."

Sonny has apparently forgotten the 68 children reported missing in Georgia. Hell, by this Aruba logic, we should still be feeling the economic pain inspired by the unsolved "Atlanta Child Murders"(30 missing and/or murdered children and young adults from 1979-81).

Now if those 30 kids had been white and blond, everyone would know what I was talking about. Nothing but Godspeed to the family of the young woman murdered in Aruba, and no surprise that politicians would exploit their tragedy.

So stay out of Georgia, whatever you do. And Alabama. And Arkansas.

I know, tall order!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Back ... Back I say ... Back to New Jersey!


It's hard to disqualify "Have You Forgotten" --- the countrified, mindless anthem to patriotism --- as the worst in recording history.

"Some people say, fergit about Bin Laden" ... Now who's saying that? Not even Michael Moore has gone there.

But there is a worse song, which strangely came up in conversation between a friend and I this morning. A song so bad, it must be remembered.

When it comes to Marconi's lowest moment, this is it.

Or, have you forgotten, this 1998 hit by the Orlando-based (the birthplace of evil) boy band LFO, "Summer Girls?": (I've boldfaced some of the more ridiculous lines)

Yeah...I like it when the girls stop by.. In the summer
Do you remember, Do you remember?
...when we met..That summer??

[Chorus]

New Kids On The block,had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer,for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..
Since that summer

[Verse 1]

Hip Hop Marmalade spic And span,
Met you one summer and it all began
Your the best girl that I ever did see,
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33
When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespere wrote a whole bunch of sonnets
Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby
Sumthin in your eyes went and drove me crazy
Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad,
Left one day and never came back
Stayed all summer then went back home,
Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone
Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speakin
Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

[Chorus]

New Kids On The block,had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer,for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I'd take her if I had one wish,
But she's been gone since that summer..
Since that summer

[Verse 2]

Cherry Pez,cold crush,rock star boogie
Used to hate school so I had to play hookie,
Always been hip to the B-boY Style
Known to act wild and make girls smile,
Love New Edition and the Candy Girl

Remind me of you because you rock my world
You come from Georgia where the peaches grow
They drink lemonade and speak real slow

You love hip hop and rock n roll
Dad took off when you were 4 years old
There was a good man named Paul Revere
I feel much better baby when you're near
You love fun dip and cherry Coke,
I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

[Repeat Chorus]

Bridge In the summertime girls got it goin on,
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like,
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike

[Verse 3]

Bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks
My mind takes me back there oh so quick
Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Lipit
Think about that summer and I bug,cause I miss it
Like the color purple,macaroni and cheese,
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
Call you up but whats the use
I like Kevin Bacon,but I hate Footloose

Came in the door I said it before,I think I'm over you
but I'm really not sure
When I met you I said my name was Rich
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch
repeat Chorus

[Bridge]

In the summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worth while and some are so so,
Summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worth while and some are so so,
Summertime girls got it goin on
Shake and wiggle to a hip hop song
Summertime girls are the kind I like
I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike

[Repeat Chorus]

Saturday, December 17, 2005

On metaphors and Christmas


Remember after 9/11, when various pundits chided themselves over and again for their callous insertion of militaristic terminology into the everyday vernacular? No more war metaphors when discussing political disputes, or football games, for that matter. That was the company line.

Which dissolved within a matter of months, just as irony made its comeback. (Take that, Graydon Carter!) Now we're told, mainly by authors of books on the subject, that there is a war on Christmas.

I'll agree, to an extent. Political correctness seems to have finally overwhelmed the culture, and it's good to see the citizenry respond against societal speech codes. However, the biggest purveyors of sensitizing cordialness are those dreaded big corporations. Why do they have their greeters say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas?" Because that's the least likely to offend non-Christian fellow consumers who shop there, not that many gave a damn.

Now that Christians are offended, these large corporations don't know want to do, stuck in the same kind of moral volley the Ford Motor Co. currently finds itself in. (Ford caved into religious right protests about advertisiting in queer publications, then caved again when barraged by gay activists. Maybe Ford should've responded: Who gives a fuck? It's just advertising!)

So the department stores dither. It is "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays?" Could "Season's Greetings" make a comeback, via compromise? Meanwhile, the James Dobsons of the world sense a moneymaking opportunity when they see one.

It's familiar line: Christians are being persecuted. No, Christians in China are being persecuted. Christians in America are just not getting their way.

Of course, the larger problem, the commercialization of Christmas, is totally lost. Not that it was ever an issue with the Dobsons of the world. How can you run a commerical enterprise and decry commercialism?

Then again, hypocrisy never stood in their way.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Between civilization and chaos


It's a thin thread, one held together partly by adherence to the Golden Rule. The assault on manners knows no bounds, with some even excusing it as "the way things are."

I can be as big an asshole as the next guy (or lady), but that doesn't excuse it. There is, however, a way to fuse the two, one that will safeguard our threadbare civilization by deputizing the citizenry to enforce good manners. I've done it, and rarely felt better.

A friend invited me to watch a golf tournament about a year ago, and I must've really been bored. I despise golf. I despise those who play it (generally). I despise those who talk about it. Frankly, I don't like Tiger Woods much, either. (How is he considered charismatic, anyway? Talk about your cold fish.)

Anyway, after enduring a few hours of tedium, said friend and I were waiting in a hour-long line to board a bus that would take us back to my car. As we neared the front of the line, two young women decided lines weren't their thing and busted in front. I was immediately emboldened. (Thank you, Mr. Heineken).

When challeneged, they barely blanched. I continued the verbal assault (unfortunately joined by some chauvinistic lunkhead behind me). Their gender had nothing to do with it; I was targeting their rudeness. Some in line started to think I was the rude one, but the point had to be made.

When we reached the bus, a security guard approached the women and pulled them aside, informing them they'd have to return to the back of the line. As I boarded the bus, grinning, they complained to the officer that I was harassing them. But I had witnesses, not to mention plenty of support, as the throngs waiting on the bus greeted me with applause.

So, when you see someone violating the Golden Rule, challenge them. Loudly. Aggressively. You're right, they're wrong. And maybe, for once, justice will prevail.

Or just avoid golf courses altogether. Your choice.

***Pictured: Judith Martin, otherwise known as Miss Manners.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Tommy Boy


Even though half of the very conservative voters of Texas now have an unfavorable opinion of former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, George W.
remains supportive.

In a hard-hitting, no-holds-barred interview with Fox News (pause for laughter), Bush says DeLay is innocent of criminal charges recently leveled against him and hopes he will return to his leadership post, this despite the fact many House Republicans now want to keep DeLay in the shadows.

"I hope that he will, cause I like him, and plus, when he's over there, we get our votes through the House," the president says. (It should be noted that VP Lon Cheney recently attended a fundraiser for DeLay).

Meanwhile, the increasingly cranky Donald Rumsfeld has done a "heck of a good job," Bush says (recycling the same compliment given to embatted former FEMA director Michael Brown).

That does it. I'm applying for a job in the Bush White House, where it's apparently impossible to do wrong. And if somehow singled out for incompetence, I'll use their own techniques against them.

"I'm doing a good job. Things are fine. Change is bad." Then I'll repeat, ad nauseum, until the bonuses start flowing in.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Right on, Maude!


I've turned my back on every one of the so-called icons I'm supposed to worship. Cher, Madonna, Barbra, Bette ... couldn't be less interested. However, I will cop to idolizing one of the lesser stars in the gay universe.

As a grade schooler, I watched "Maude" reruns nightly. There was something captivating about Bea Arthur and her flowing mumus, and no one in sitcom history has done the slow burn better. It didn't take long for me to adopt Maudey's catchphrase, finding ways to include "God will get you for that" in just about every conversation possible.

Unfortunately, I didn't consider the consequences, as my impression of a liberal, middle-aged, upstate New Yorker didn't go over too well in my home, or at the bus stop.

Oh, grow up!


If I had been in a bad mood, then I would've said what I wanted to say to the woman in the airport reading the "Harry Potter" book (don't ask me which one).

"Have you read this?" she queried. No, I responded. Here's what I wanted to say: "No ... I'm an adult. I'm not really interested in teenage wizards anymore."

Adults who proudly read children's books worry me, but they're not alone. We're being overrun by overgrown kids, like the 40-year-old on the plane who couldn't take his eyes off a video game. Now I half expect to see grown-ups reading Highlights magazine in the dentist's office.

American cheeseball


I may not be qualified to reach this conclusion, but why in the hell is Hugh Hefner celebrated as a man of taste and sophistication?

Would the same be said of Charles Nelson Reilly if he hung out in some mansion with a bunch of Playgirl models?

I have no problem with Hef's lifestyle, but as for his taste ...

Clearly big plastic tits aren't my thing, but these gals are so synthetic I don't see how they're attractive to the man with an allegedly discriminating eye. Must be some fascinating conversations they have, particularly when James Caan and Jan Michael-Vincent join in (the Playboy Mansion also serves as a haven for washed-up actors).

Hey, is that Lyle Waggoner hanging out in the grotto?

Best of all, Harvey Fierstein's not in it

I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet, but I've enjoyed some of Ang Lee's earlier films, and I can only assume all of the accolades heaped upon the film aren't just some conspiracy of patronage. I'm hopeful, not just because a gay love story is getting mainstream exposure, but that it's seen within a quality piece of work.

The queer film genre has typically consisted of nothing more than B-movie melodrama, and rarely has anything of artistic merit emerged. Just annoying bromides and tirades, with plenty of overwrought self-pity thrown in.

"Brokeback," meanwhile, features characters not born of stereotype, or so I assume. God help Jake Gyllenhaal if he breaks out in a show tune while sitting around the campfire.

Speaking of Hollywood's newest "it boy," I've spent time at his home before. Seriously. He was only about 17 or 18...

Regrettably, there's nothing lurid to report. His mother, Naomi Foner (who wrote the screenplay for the River Phoenix movie "Running on Empty,") was one of my instructors at USC, and she liked to have classes meet at her house.

And I thought she was the one I needed to impress.

*** Syriana comes highly recommended from this quarter. Not that it's especially entertaining, but it's very smart, meticuoulsly researched and professionally done, on all counts. Regardless of what you think about George Clooney and his politics, he deserves considerable credit for choosing substance over style in mapping out his career. What other leading man can you say that about these days? (Johnny Depp, perhaps, though his recent choices are suspect).

Lonesome, 'onry and mean


Country music was once an American art form, populated by iconic (and I don't overuse that word) figures like John Cash, Waylon, Willie, Loretta, Tammy, et al. It's been a long time coming, but country's gone pussy, or, at the very least, it's become annoyingly irrelevant.

From the moment Garth Brooks latched a wire onto his fat ass and started swinging above his audiences, I knew country music was dead. Imagine Waylon pulling that kind of stunt (how would he hold onto his Jack Daniels)? Of course, Garth is a probably a Miller Lite man ... much like the rest of his choir boy contemporaries. Nothing but lite-weights.

It used to be that country music was for everyone, though now it seems tailored towards the Wal-Mart shopping, family values crowd. It took a while for a music snob like me to appreciate the richness of, say, a Billy Joe Shaver song, but once I did I was hooked for life.

These days you've got washboard-ab'd pretty boys like Kenny Chesney writing songs based on an especially treacly line from a Tom Cruise/Cameron Crowe movie. I don't know how long ago this abomination was released, but apparently "You Had Me at Hello" is one of the former Mr. Zellweger's biggest hits. Can you imagine Merle Haggard being inspired by a Rock Hudson/Doris Day movie?

May Kenny Boy be run over by a drunken Hank Williams Sr. in some afterlife.

While I'm aware there's some quality country out there (Beachwood Sparks ain't bad), it's only found in the margins, not in the mainstream where listeners once heard lyrics like:

"Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black"


Now, it's come to this:

"Oh, Justice will be served and the battle will rage.
This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage
You'll be sorry that you messed with the US of A
'Cuz we'll put a boot in your ass
It's the American way."

I never played the game


Here's a post from my blogmate at Rowland's Office, Charles Davidson, a longtime friend and writer with a properly sour take on some current trends:

Howard Cosell
had it right. Sportswriting today is overrun by mediocrities with the worldview of 18-year-olds who think a pop culture reference and a few stats make you Red Smith.

Especially nauseating is the trendy print reference to the hot babe du jour. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen Mischa Barton of "The O.C." mentioned in sports columns lately. But of course the most hackneyed are the Paris Hilton and Britney Spears analogies.

Here are a few I ran across in a two-minute search:

"The problem is that unless you're drafting against your dog, your cat and Paris Hilton, you're probably not going to end up with all of those players on your team."

"He is fast and football savvy, but has an attitude problem and he carries more luggage with him than Paris Hilton on a two-week vacation in Europe."

"Ricky's mind wanders like Paris Hilton on a shopping spree."

"What began when Jason Varitek took exception to A-Rod's comments to Bronson Arroyo last July, when Arroyo hit Rodriguez with a pitch everyone but Britney Spears knew wasn't intentional, carried over into the playoffs with more words with Varitek and Curt Schilling."


That’s worse than Jessica Simpson in a aaarrrgggghhh. Just write, for God’s sake.

Better yet, don’t write.

The Malcontent returns


Damn the cold slap of reality. I've been back a week, but slow to renew my bloviating, due to a nagging virus and an overwhelming workload. While the former remains, the latter has subsided and I'm back to dish out my usual complaints.

However, I have none about my time in the Dominican Republic. The weather was tropical and the landscape was picturesque, but it was the people that won me over. Though a good many live in poverty (rice farming is the primary occupation in the town where I stayed: San Francisco de Marcoris), it doesn't affect their generous spirit, buoyed by an uncomplicated life where the names Nick and Jessica and George W. and Howard Dean are barely uttered.

Of course, upon landing at Atlanta's airport, I was greeted with a barrage of periodicals fretting about the future of Brangelina, and other such meaningless people. My usual contempt for our cultural pettiness has only increased, as has my desire to comb the world (preferably via the back road).

I've posted a photoblog/journal of my trip here. (Check my links section, as well).

***That's me in the photo, captured at a San Francisco Gigantes game in the Dominican.