Pass the raw agave nectar

Malcontent correspondent Markie Post ventured out of Frogtown to file this dispatch from a "live food" "party" in Decatur, home of the female mullet --

Nobody has ever accused Markie Post of squeamishness, but even I don't want to hear about colonics while eating "live food" meal in a brown sauce. My blanching, however, did not stop the other dinner guest from discussing this most essential hygiene practice. A Carol Channing impersonator, he probably was the most macho man at the "all vegan, all the time" gathering organized by lesbian animal rights activists in Decatur.

Along with the aroma of tempeh, a distinctly Sapphic vibe of self-righteousness wafted in the air. One woman said there was simply no excuse, even for reasons of health, for anyone to eat flesh. "It's a matter of respecting another being," she said. "I've practiced vegetarianism for 35 years, so everyone else should, too." Thus ensued a discussion of which soy products taste the yummiest, how best to clean a juicer, and, again, colonics. The mother of one of the guests, an elderly, partially deaf woman who was gamely trying to be hip, picked up a carob brownie and asked, "Is this free-range chocolate?"

Suddenly I find myself craving a "good morning burger," 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef soaked in rich, "creamery" butter, topped with bacon, ham and a fried egg.

The Da Vinci rebellion

How is such a universally panned movie doing so well at the box office? Too early to conclude, but I'm convinced the uproar caused by (mainly) Catholic critics of the film have done much to raise its "The Da Vinci Code's" financial profile (from Nikki Finke's Deadline Hollywood Daily):

Sony Pictures told me exclusively this morning that Da Vinci Code earned $224 million worldwide, making it the second biggest opening weekend of all time worldwide. (The only movie that did better was Star Wars 3, the last of the prequels, with $254 mil). That DVC figure broke down to $147 mil internationally, and $77 mil domestically. The studio told me that the film is the No. 1 all-time opening weekend internationally. DVC was #1 in predominantly Catholic countries Italy and Spain, and #1 or #2 in every South American territory. Sony execs explained to me that the reason for the huge success is that "young people" including teens were going to see the film worldwide as well as adults. But all audience segments were doing well, even infrequent filmgoers. "We are absolutely thrilled with the worldwide opening of this movie and it’s a true international event," the chairman of Sony Pictures Entertainment's Motion Picture Group, Amy Pascal, told me Sunday morning.

And why are so many kids seeing the flick? Likely because they were told not to by cultural authoritarians. Hard to figure why those types continue to provide free promotion to movies, TV shows, etc. they don't want you to see.

He would know

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."

-- Oscar Wilde

The prosecution rests

Interesting comments from a reader who thinks I'm way too tough on New Orleans' mayor-elect. I disagree, but he makes some valid points. Analysis to come on this, but his take on how Republicans helped keep Nagin in office -- if correct -- is quite fascinating:

I voted for Mayor Nagin in 2002. He was the candidate for business and positive change. After his election, Mayor Nagin helped root out corruption in city hall and tried to make the city more business friendly. He had more success in the former than the latter, but it was a positive first step. I had planned to vote for his re-election until he made the Chocolate City remark. The comment didn't offend me or make me feel less welcome in my home town, mainly because I understood that Nagin was trying to pander, a skill which he lacks. Instead, I refused to vote for him because 1) I voted against all incumbents given the city's lack of preparedness for Katrina; and 2) New Orleans right now depends upon the kindness of the strangers, and the rest of nation (upon whose tax dollars we depend for our recovery) viewed him as incompetent and an object of ridicule. His re-election, therefore, could jeopardize New Orleans' recovery.

(sic) Noggin's re-election, however, does not disappoint me. It is a far cry from 1991 when I had to choose between voting for a crook (Edwin Edwards) and a racist (David Duke), whose small-mindedness is surpassed only by his stupidity; yes, I voted for the thief. I believe Nagin will do a decent job while facing impossible conditions (and give comedians much fodder for jokes for as long as they look).

In sum, Nagin is many things, but he is not a Marion Barry or Bill Campbell. Your comment shows a lack of understanding of the situation in New Orleans, though your reaction does not surprise me (a reinforcement of my second reason not to vote for Mayor Nagin). While Mayor Nagin did benefit from the racial divide in New Orleans (he received a supermajority of the black vote), he still needed at least 20% of white vote. How do Nagin get this vote? By getting Republicans to vote for him. First, many Republicans refused to vote for Lt. Gov. Landrieu because his sister is a United States Senator with a liberal voting record. More importantly, the lieutenant governor, for all of his gifts of glib, pandered worse than Nagin: Lt. Gov. Landrieu said that he would appoint former mayors Sidney Barthelme and Marc Moral to important city advisory committees. Republicans do not view the former mayors' honesty and ability in particularly high regard. Landrieu's election, in their opinion, would be a return to the bad ol' days, or probably more accurately, the worse ol' days.

I hope and pray that you will continue to help us rebuild.

Reginald White

Bitch slap

I think Axl Rose has finally lost what remained of his metal cred.

It was a one-two encounter between Axl Rose and Tommy Hilfiger. The rocker and designer capped a Thursday evening out at a new club called The Plumm in Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood with midnight fisticuffs.

"There was an issue between the two of them," Plumm owner Noel Ashman told The Associated Press.

The scuffle reportedly started after the Guns N' Roses front man moved the drink of Hilfiger's girlfriend, Dee Ocleppo.

"I moved his girlfriend's drink so it wouldn't spill," Rose told the Los Angeles radio station KROQ on Friday. "It was the most surreal thing, I think, that's ever happened to me in my life."

According to the 44-year-old singer, Hilfiger, 55, smacked him in the arm and told him to put the drink back.

"He just kept smacking me," Rose said.

Not sure what's behind Rose's restraint, but -- considering the state of his career -- how do you pass up a fashion designer beatdown, especially when you've been provoked?

Furthermore ... Tommy Hilfiger has a girlfriend?

Duped: New Orleans edition

Apparently playing the race card pays off. That, or incompetence has become the new competence. Regardless, criminally inept New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin seems headed for a second term in office.

Hard to figure the logic in that decision, save for a reliance on the law of averages. As in: he fucked up so bad the first time around, odds are he's due to get something right over the next four years. That sound you hear is potential investors packing up their surveying equipment.

I don't want to be too judgmental, however, considering I hail from the city that elected should-be felon Bill Campbell twice.

Duped

Thanks to Left Coast Breakdown for bringing this to my attention. After closer inspection, it appears the story about Iran requiring non-Muslims to wear colored badges identifying them as religious minorities is false.

I'll take consolation in that I wasn't the only one fooled by the report, which on the surface is certainly feasible. But there's little evidence to support The National Post's account.

Iran's only Jewish MP strongly denied reports in a Canadian newspaper overnight that Iran may force non-Muslims to wear coloured badges in public so they can be identified.

"This report is a complete fabrication and is totally false," Maurice Motammed said in Tehran. "It is a lie, and the people who invented it wanted to make political gain" by doing so.

Is it me you're looking for?

Democracy may be a hard sell in Iraq, but our shitty pop culture translates everywhere.

I have been to Iraq nine times since the American invasion three years ago, for a total of about 10 solid months. (My wife is counting.) During that time, I have seen bombs and blood, I have seen rebuilding and restructuring, and I have seen death and democracy. So what have I heard? That's easy: Lionel Richie.

Grown Iraqi men get misty-eyed by the mere mention of his name. "I love Lionel Richie," they say. Iraqis who do not understand a word of English can sing an entire Lionel Richie song.

Maybe they could convince his anorexic daughter to chow down some chicken machboos (that be spiced chicken with rice ... think Nicole could handle that?)

Meanwhile, I hear Michael McDonald is big in Qatar.

Movies worth seeing: Elderly edition

My two biggest soft spots: old people and cats, orange tabbies in particular. So "Harry and Tonto" (1974) was made for me. The plot may sound contrived and overly sentimental, but great acting (from Art Carney, aka Norton from "The Honeymooners," and his feline sidekick) and solid writing overcome the usual traps:

Harry is a retired teacher in his seventies living in an area of New York City where he & his deceased wife raised his children - where he's lived all his life. When the building he lives in is torn down to make way for a parking garage, Harry and his cat Tonto begin a journey across America, visiting his children, seeing a world he never seemed to have the time to see before, making new friends and saying goodbye to old ones.

Carney beat out Jack Nicholson ("Chinatown") and Al Pacino ("The Godfather: Part II") for Best Actor at the Oscars that year. You could make a strong case for the other two (hell, I could easily make that case), but I'm always happy when an old guy triumphs.

Unfortunately, Richard Farnsworth didn't win for "The Straight Story" in 2000 -- Kevin Spacey did, for the vastly overrated "American Beauty"). "Straight" is a beautiful movie, best known as David Lynch's unexpected U-turn into the G-rated mainstream. But Lynch does straightfoward as well as he does macabre (see: "The Elephant Man"); he's unjustly overlooked as one of cinema's more versatile directors.

Hell, he made me cry with "The Straight Story," in which Farnsworth drives his lawn mower across two states to reunite with his estranged brother (Harry Dean Stanton).

Both these movies are stuffed with dignity, and prove that one can be sweet without being saccharaine.

May I have this dance?

Good quote for a Saturday, from Irish playwright and critic George Bernard Shaw:

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."

Waaaah!

Want to know why the left can't ever seem to win? Well-illustrated here:

Senator John McCain of Arizona received a cantankerous reception during his appearance at the New School commencement Friday, where dozens of faculty members and students turned their backs and raised signs in protest and a distinguished student speaker pointedly mocked him as he sat silently nearby.

Yep, take your ball and go home, that'll win hearts and minds. The problem with the left is they don't want to win hearts and minds. They'd rather grandstand, demonstrating an alleged moral superiority through empty gestures and schoolyard tactics.

Check out the reaction by one of the "distinguished seniors" invited to speak at the commencement:

Beginning by singing a wistful folk tune calling for world peace, Rohe announced she had thrown out her prepared remarks to address the McCain controversy directly.

"The senator does not reflect the ideals upon which this university was founded," Rohe proclaimed to loud cheers, with McCain sitting just a few feet away.

First off, I'm certain I would've been rolling in the aisles once Rohe started with the folk singing. Second -- and I'm beating a buried horse here -- aren't universities supposed to be laboratories for free speech? Isn't that why we have higher education in the first place.

McCain, per usual, couldn't resist a rejoinder --

"When I was a young man, I was quite infatuated with self-expression, and rightly so because, if memory conveniently serves, I was so much more eloquent, well-informed and wiser than anyone else I knew," McCain said.

As he spoke, several dozen students and faculty turned their backs to him and lifted signs saying "Our commencement is not your platform."

A few students yelled catcalls at McCain, saying things like "full of it," and "We're graduating, not voting."

Credit due New School President Bob Kerrey -- another man who should've been president -- for standing up to his immature charges.

"Will you stand and say what you believe when you know that heckling and loudness and boos will arise?" Kerrey asked.

Shouldn't McCain be applauded for willing to engage on "enemy" turf, left and right? I thought America craved a unifier, though I'm not sure that's what either side really wants. I suppose it's easier being assuaged than challenged.

Let me remind you of the consequences: George Allen vs. Hillary in '08.

Waaaah!

Wasting time, time wasted

I'm already embarrassed that I've wasted so much space discussing a Ron Howard movie. I haven't read the book, and I don't plan on seeing the movie. So I'll end all talk of "The Da Vinci Code" with this conclusion:

If you're faith is so insecure that it might be shaken by something directed by RON HOWARD, then it's time for you to find a new faith. Maybe you should worship box office receipts. Remember, it's a RON HOWARD film. As in RON HOWARD, the king of pablum, the man who bastardized Dr. Seuss. If you're threatened by Opie, you best relocate to Antarctica.

That is all.

Who am I? Why am I here?

War hero and scholar James Stockdale would've been the best commander in chief of all the presidential and vice-presidential candidates seeking the Oval Office in '92. Too bad he committed the cardinal sin of being bad on TV, thus ending a distinguished life as a punchline.

Nearly two decades later, has there ever been a better time for a third-party candidate? Look at the alternatives. The Democrats are feckless prisoners of self-serving special interests, while the GOP are feckless prisoners of different self-serving special interests. Neither is much interested in governance or reform, just winning. So you're left with choosing between the lesser of evils: Michael Moore or big oil? Teachers unions or pharmaceutical companies? It's a false choice, and each will send America down the road to ruin.

Obviously we don't want to re-live the Perot experience (though I cast my first ballot for that crazy bastard, and I'm not yet regretting it), but we desperately need a better option. The ideal candidate would be McCain, but he's clearly concluded that it's easier to cozy up to the far right than to run under the banner of an untested party. Can't blame his calculus, but there's got to be a better way.

I'm convinced America is ready for another alternative. Do you know any independent thinkers who are truly satisfied with the Democrats or Republicans? If you value our democracy, then you can't be anything but disgusted over our current political framework. There's no middle ground: both parties are bankrupt, morally and ideologically.

So who's the nation's savior? Your recommendations are welcome.

Open the door

The fact that Tom Cruise is trying to censor another artist tells you all you need to know about him and his cult. Fortunately, Cruise's bid to keep the "Trapped in a Closet" episode of "South Park" from airing in the UK has failed.

The episode, which shows a cartoon version of Cruise being locked inside a cupboard, was shown at London's National Film Theatre on Monday.

The show was originally taken off air by British TV network Channel 4 in January amid complaints.

Or complaint. I doubt anyone in Great Britain, besides Cruise and his team of attorneys, was much bothered by the episode.

Organizers were thrilled the actor failed in his attempts to stop the free screening, which accompanied a talk given by creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker, insisting it was a display of free speech.

A spokesman said, ""If we were charging there may have been legal problems, but it was a free event, so it should be fine."

What legal problems? Are British broadcasters even more spineless than their American counterparts?

Either way, it's always heartening when good defeats evil (and make no mistake: Tom Cruise is evil incarnate).

Gay, with honors

I have no problem with gay pride celebrations, though the languague is a bit off. What's to be proud of? I was born a certain way, that's it. Pride should be based on accomplishment, not the whims of nature.

But alas, there's a growing trend on college campuses to recognize gay students through "lavender graduations." What are they being recognized for? Not turning straight?

"We're finally ... getting our names and faces out there," says Alex Ferrando, 22, who helped organize the inaugural lavender graduation last month at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill.

And how does segregating oneself achieve that?

The growing visibility of lavender graduations — including on many campuses the participation of university officials — suggests more universities see value in supporting their gay populations, says Shane Windmeyer, founder of Campus Pride, a national organization for LGBT youth. "Such an event shows commitment to the LGBT student not only in recruitment but also in retention and a connection into their status as alumni."

Whatever happened to choosing a school based on academics? Certainly I wouldn't want to attend a campus that was unfriendly to gays, but is that really a problem in this day?

Fortunately not all LGBT (I'm growing weary of that acronym ... or is it a sandwich?) students are buying into this pointless movement.

LGBT students at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville and Sarah Lawrence College in Bronxville, N.Y., meanwhile, weren't interested in such an event, LGBT center directors on those campuses say. And while Whitney Mackman participated in commencement exercises Sunday from the University of Puget Sound in Tacoma, Wash., she chose not to attend the lavender graduation.

"Every part of me contributed to my successes, and I find it inappropriate to honor my accomplishments as merely a LGBT student," Mackman, 21, wrote in the student newspaper.

So long, Amos and Andy

Let us pause to say goodbye, and good riddance, to "Will and Grace," which ends its interminable run tonight. Since I love repeating myself, I'm reposting a segment from a column I wrote a few years back for the Los Angeles Times:

It comes as no surprise that the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) gave awards to Showtime's "Queer as Folk" and NBC's "Will & Grace" for their "positive portrayals of gay and lesbian issues" (Morning Report, May 1). But for this gay malcontent, it's a tad disturbing, something akin to if the NAACP had handed out an Image Award back in the 1950s to "Amos 'n' Andy" for its contributions to African Americans.

I'm assuming the producers of "Queer as Folk" and "Will & Grace" would argue that their shows are not meant to reflect all of gay society. Fair enough. But, as "Amos 'n' Andy" was in its day, theirs are the only shows in town. And whereas African Americans justifiably expressed outrage toward the clownish, shuffling duo, the gay community has embraced its own stereotypes. Instead of fried chicken and watermelon, we have Barbra Streisand and Bette Midler. After all, what gay man doesn't worship the two "divas"?

Maybe I'm missing something, but what exactly is so positive about these characters? Examine the "Queer as Folk" roster, stocked with, among others, a conceited materialist who beds an underage boy; a whiny, needy closet case; and your classic, stereotypical queen fond of quoting, you guessed it, Mrs. James Brolin. That last description could also be used for Jack on "Will & Grace." Correct that. He's fond of quoting Cher. Now that's diversity! Frankly, I think I'd have more in common with Tony Soprano.

Granted, I'd probably a bit more forgiving of "Will and Grace" if I thought it was funny, but I loathe sitcoms where all the characters hug in the end (see: "Friends"). Judging by the promos I've seen for the W&G finale, there will be plenty of hugs, and tears, tonight. Some comedy.

Here's the queer party line: "Without a doubt, 'Will & Grace' was groundbreaking," said Neil G. Giuliano, president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation.

It proved that openly gay characters could be "embraced by the American public," he said, and put Will and Grace in the ranks of such classic and beloved TV characters as Lucy and Ricky of "I Love Lucy."

No, it proved that a certain kind of openly gay character could be embraced, like the dress shop owner in the small town where I grew up. He also planned all the weddings in town. He was/is, very gay, and accepted, beause he fit the mold of what gay people should be. Not a threat ... kind of like Sean Hayes.

I'll admit the "Amos 'n' Andy" analogy is a bit strained, but it makes my point, so I use it. "Will and Grace" was accepted because it was safe. Straight people like their homos flaming, and the gay community has been all too happy to acquiesce.

I reflect back on my youth, knowing I was gay but not wanting to be like the gay people I knew. Seeing movies like "Torch Song Trilogy" only depressed me further. Would I have to turn into someone I wasn't in order to gain acceptance? The thought of having to learn the words to show tunes depressed the hell out of me.

Quoting my column, again (yes, I am an insufferable egomaniac):

Sadly, far too many of us seem content fulfilling the roles society and the media (including the gay media) expect: gossipy "girlfriends" who love to party and shop. We may be born homosexual, but we're not all born addicted to the E! network.

Nor to "Will and Grace." Let's hope for a real groundbreaking show to follow, one that can handle a portrayal of a three-dimensional, real live queer.

Then again, the right side of my brain says, "who gives a fuck." I should listen more to the right side of my brain.

And the blind shall see

Very obvious "blind items" all over the Internet and radio have outed a certain ex-SNL cast member turned movie star. Among the "clues" --

We're all verklempt! This news is like butter!

No way, you ask? WAY!

If you haven't figured this one out yet, you've somehow avoided the last 15 years of pop culture. Way to go.

So I'll make it easy. His first name starts with an "M." Same with his last.

Didn't see that one coming.

True? Who knows. But the gossipists have spoken.

Hopefully it will strike Virginia Beach

More fringe musings, compliments of a familiar messenger:

VIRGINIA BEACH -- The Rev. Pat Robertson says God has told him that storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year.

The founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network has told viewers of "The 700 Club" that the revelations came to him during his annual personal prayer retreat in January.

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8.

He added specifics in Wednesday's show.

"There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest," he said.

Most likely in retribution for those zany medicinal marijuana laws (since Robertson's god doesn't endorse sick people seeking natural comfort). Not to mention the Northwest is a bit liberal on the same-sex marriage issue. And we know how much Pat's deity hates the gays.

Paving paradise

The National Trust for Historic Preservation has listed America's 11 Most Endangered Places, reminding again that overdevelopment is one of our more underrecognized foes. America does have character, and charm, as much as some people want to destroy it. God knows we can't afford to become any more illiterate of our past. Or is there educational value to be found at Moe's?

Among our historic treasures threatened by financial interests:

*Blair Mountain Battlefield (Logan County, West Virginia)

The "Battle of Blair Mountain" in 1921 was a pivotal event in the labor movement in America. Through an armed insurrection, coal miners sought better working conditions and an end to the oppressive control of the coal industry that ruled southern West Virginia. The battle was the largest conflict on US soil since the Civil War, but it is relatively little known

And the coal companies want to keep it that way.

Past preservation efforts have failed because of fierce opposition from the coal companies that own or lease most of the ridge. Hobet Mining, Arch Coal, Massey Energy Company and Aracoma Coal Company, among others, are intent on strip-mining, which would destroy the battlefield. Permits for strip-mining are issued through the Army Corps of Engineers, which is subject to a federal preservation review process that provides for consideration of – but not necessarily protection of – historic sites.

*Kootenai Lodge (Bigfork, Mt.)

The Kootenai Lodge, developed over a period of nearly 25 years starting in 1905, was built by two copper kings who chose this scenic lakeside spot as the site for a retreat for their families. What started as a simple fishing camp developed into a spectacular compound with a grand but rustic lodge, 14 cabins, a 31-stall barn for thoroughbred horses, polo grounds and a six-car garage for the families' fleet of Pierce Arrow and Dusenberg limousines. The main lodge was designed by Kirtland Cutter, the architect of Lake McDonald Lodge in Glacier National Park, who incorporated massive larch timbers, unpeeled cedar logs, a walk-in fireplace and 30-foot ceiling in the building's dramatic interior space.

Wouldn't you rather stay in a brand new condo?

The Milhous Group, which purchased the 42-acre property in 2005, is planning to build 42 condominiums, 24 boat slips, a pool and a new road. The plan calls for the demolition of several structures and the alteration of all remaining historic buildings. The historic barn has already been dismantled and relocated, and many of the old-growth trees have been cut down.

*Doo Wop Motels (Wildwood, NJ)

On a 40-block stretch of the Jersey Shore sits an ode to 1950s optimism: Wildwood's Doo Wop motels, a string of brash and fanciful beach resorts where a generation of American families returned year after year to soak up the sun and celebrate their newfound prosperity. Named for a popular singing style of the day, Doo Wop motels sport neon-bright colors, funky signage and exotic architecture decked out with sawtooth angles, crazy overhangs, space-age "Jetson" ramps and lava rock siding. Considered the largest collection of mid-20th century commercial resort architecture in the nation, the motels celebrate a number of kitschy styles, including the Polynesian-inspired "Pu Pu Platter," the "Chinatown Revival" with its de rigueur pagoda roof, and "Phony Colonee," a tribute to American patriotism.

I smell condos.

Nearly 100 Doo Wop motels have been demolished in recent years, usually for the construction of market-rate condominiums.

My 10 percent is swimming

You know those catch phrases that never escape your brain, stuck there for life, popping up when you least expect it? If you're old enough to remember the "After School Special," then you'll probably recall this self-help mantra, from "The Amazing Cosmic Awareness of Duffy Moon":

"You can do it Duffy Moon, you can do it!"

To this day, when faced with a dreaded task, I can't help but be reminded of 'ol Duffy. And I hate self-help mantras.

The only other "After School Special" that I remember is "My Mom's Having a Baby," which debunked the whole stork theory, one I wasn't ready to have debunked. Damn meddling media!

I'm not sure if "The Wave" -- that middle school literary staple about a teacher's brush with fascism -- was part of the "After School Special" stable, though I do recollect a TV version. If memory serves, the book was better.

And speaking of childhood tomes, did anyone else read the wholesome sports books written by Matt Christopher? My favorite was "Catcher with a Glass Arm":

Jody just can't bring himself to throw hard, so the ball usually falls short of its mark. Taunts of "catcher's got a glass arm" echo in his ears. Then injury is added to insult when he's beaned by a wild pitch -- and suddenly he's having trouble hitting as well as throwing. What good is a ball player who's afraid of the ball?

I was a big Beverly Cleary fan, too ("Beezus and Ramona," "Otis Spofford" ...).

The gold standard, of course, was Judy Blume's "Superfudge." Shameful that I probably read more as a fourth grade nothing than I do now.

Are you there God? It's me, ATL malcontent ...