Hello, is it Muammar you're looking for?

Via Beautiful Atrocities:

Basking in its two-year-old rapprochement with the West, Libya boasts that this year its commemorations for Washington's deadly 1986 air strikes on its main cities will be joined by Western stars.

Veteran U.S. soul singer Lionel Ritchie and Spanish tenor Jose Carreras are among the acts that Libya says will be performing in the capital in the early hours of Saturday, exactly 20 years after U.S. warplanes flying out of British bases hit their targets, killing at least 40 people.

Lionel, I know it takes a lot of money to feed your daughter, but are you really this desperate? Accepting cash from a lapsed terrorist regime (one whose human rights record remains suspect) places you alongside "Surreal Life" cast members on the dignity scale.

Which reminds me ... This kid I knew -- white boy with glasses -- performed a stage version of "Hello" for our annual middle school talent show. Somehow he convinced a female classmate to portray the blind chick, and he assumed the Lionel Ritchie role, just like the video.

It was perhaps the funniest thing I've ever witnessed. I'm sure it still haunts him, in the middle of the night, alone with his thoughts ...

Spineless execs, clueless fundamentalists

Comedy Central continues to defend its contradictory policy regarding religious depictions, trotting out the ol' reliable safety canard.

"In light of recent world events, we feel we made the right decision." Its executives would not comment further.

And no surprise that a prominent religious conservative falied to grasp the show's relatively straightforward message.

A frequent "South Park" critic, William Donohue of the anti-defamation group Catholic League, called on Parker and Stone to resign out of principle for being censored.

"The ultimate hypocrite is not Comedy Central -- that's their decision not to show the image of Mohammed or not -- it's (Trey) Parker and (Matt) Stone," he said. "Like little whores, they'll sit there and grab the bucks. They'll sit there and they'll whine and they'll take their shot at Jesus. That's their stock in trade."

It's hard out there for a satirist.

Number seven

Time for a new entrant into my count-up of crappy songs of the nineties. And to clarify -- I'm sticking with alt-rock tunes, the dominant format of the decade (for those wondering why Ace of Base haven't shown up yet, or Billy Ray Cyrus).

I'm not overlooking the dames, however. Our inaugural female: Jewel, with "You Were Meant for Me."

And while on the subject of Jewel, the Malcontent brings back a long-dormant feature -- sins against literature committed by overbearing celebs, otherwise known as the Ethan Hawke Award. As you may remember, Jewel writes poetry, too. Very, very badly.

"Me"

I have firm breasts

I have lips that always smile

I have veins that bleed

I laugh when I'm nervous

I feel the pain of others

but cry for no reason

I like open flame

I've been selfish since a child

I'm from Alaska

but hate the cold

I've cheated on diets

I've faked applications

But I still bleed

and my lips still smile

and my breasts won't

always be firm

I'm still waiting for Sean Penn to apologize -- he discovered Jewel.

Who can tell the difference anymore?

Fortunately, I avoided j-school. Too political. And pedantic.

But having spent nearly half my life in the field, some of it, regrettably, in entertainment journalism, I applaud the decision by Boston University journalism department chairman Bob Zelnick to resign after an unsuccessful bid to separate the communications tract. Journalism has nothing to do with advertising and public relations, he contends. (Except for providing a more lucrative option for burned-out reporters).

Sounds logical to an outsider, but within academia it's a revolutionary concept.

"The two should be raised as adversaries," said Zelnick of journalism and the more commercially focused sides of media operations.

The Rookie, Part II

If you follow baseball you're probably familiar with Jim Morris' story, chronicled in the Disney movie, "The Rookie."

The Braves now have their own version. Peter Moylan's tale is fairly incredible: from Aussie salesman (playing ball on weekends) to relief pitcher with the Braves, all in the span of a few months.

I saw Moylan make his major league debut last night, and it was a pretty uplifting moment:

Until last week, Moylan's professional baseball experience consisted of two seasons of rookie ball nearly a decade ago in the Twins organization.

"I honestly thought I'd spend a year in the minor leagues, at least," said Moylan, called to Atlanta after pitching in only two games for Richmond. "I haven't played outside the Gulf Coast League and Australia.

"I didn't think it was feasible this year. Look at my story . . . it's mind blowing."

The specifics are even more unlikely:

Moylan spent two undistinguished seasons (1996-97) in the Twins system before returning to his homeland. He became a pharmaceutical salesman and played baseball on the weekends for a club team, akin to a U.S. recreational league.

The story took on a Sidd Finch-like angle seven months ago, when Moylan was warming up with his Blackburn Orioles club team.

He started throwing sidearm for no real reason, and noticed he was throwing harder that way than he could with a regular overhead delivery.

Just like that, Moylan said, his velocity jumped from 86-88 mph to 95 mph, which startled radar-gun toting observers at a national club tournament. He won a spot on the Aussie WBC team.

The Braves, Red Sox and a couple others were interested enough to offer modest contracts, and the Braves landed him for a mere $30,000 signing bonus.

Professional athletes are becoming more difficult to root for, but Moylan certainly made it easy last night. Give him his just due next time you're at the Ted.

I smell booze and cigarettes

Nothing's more irritating in modern cinema than the gratuitous use of music. Something menacing's around the corner -- play accompanying shrill violin. Fallen in love -- cue James Brown's "I Feel Good." Now they're incorporating smells to tell how you to feel:

A Japanese theater showing "The New World" will screen the Colin Farrell movie in 'Smellovision' to enhance the viewing experience. Seven smells will be emitted by machines placed under seats at the back of the theatre, depending on what kind of scene is playing during director Terrence Malick's film at the time. Love scenes will be accompanied by a floral scent, while a peppermint and rosemary smell will waft through the cinema during emotional sequences.

Blacklist is such a harsh term

You've heard about Tom and Katie, Kirstie Alley, Isaac Hayes, Jenna Elfman, Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley, Mr. and Mrs. Travolta ... but did you know the late Sonny Bono was a Scientologist, along with his wife, Congresswoman Mary Bono? What about Punky Brewster, Soleil Moon Frye? Yep, she's under L. Ron's spell, too.

Time to spring all of the celebrity Scientologists from the closet. Prepare to be disappointed, and surprised:

*Anne Archer (the scorned wife from "Fatal Attraction")

*Paul Haggis, director of Oscar-winner "Crash

*Chaka Khan (say it ain't so!)

*"My Name is Earl" star Jason Lee

*Beck Hansen (perhaps the biggest stunner on the list)

*Juliette Lewis

*"Mod Squad" hottie Peggy Lipton

*Christopher and Danny Masterson (of "Malcom and the Middle" and "That 70s Show")

*Brandy (Moesha?!?)

*Giovanni Ribisi (my alleged doppelganger)

*Leah Rimini (star of "King of Queens")

*Mimi Rogers (who introduced Cruise to Scientology)

*Patrick Swayze

*Greta Van Susteren

*Rob Thomas (so that's where those Tom Cruise rumors started)

Among those who've left the flock:

*Mikhail Baryshnikov

*author William S. Burroughs

*Kate Capshaw

*Emilio Estevez

*Gloria Gaynor

*Leif Garrett (lotta good it did him)

*Charles Manson (yes, that Charles Manson)

*Ricky Martin (another queer Scientologist)

*Demi Moore

*Van Morrison

*Brad Pitt

*Lou Rawls

*Jerry Seinfeld (hey, I'm just reporting here)

*Tom Skerritt

*Oliver Stone (now there's a match made in metaphysical heaven)

*Sharon Stone (she'll try anything once)

Coming soon to the Hell Cineplex

R.V., starring Robin Williams. Anything else need to be said?

Bob McNeive and his dysfunctional family rent an RV for a roadtrip to the Colorado Rockies, where they ultimately have to contend with a bizarre community of campers.

Prepare yourself for more dated "just say no" jokes, maybe a Charo impression, or a gag at Spiro Agnew's expense ... (poor Mr. T. must be quaking in his boots.) And I bet ya there's a rap somewhere; Comedy Rule 532: Nothing's quite as funny as a very hairy man talking gangsta!

Another corporate coward

Not only is Google defending its practice of censoring Web material for the Chinese government, its CEO, Eric Schmidt, refuses to say whether the search engine would also supply personal information on its Internet users to authorities.

"I'd rather not answer a hypothetical question," he said.

Translated: sure we would. Bad news for Chinese political prisoners such as journalist Shi Tao, who was sentenced to 10 years in prison for passing on a government censorship order through his Yahoo e-mail account. Yahoo supplied that information to the government, and now it appears Google will do the same.

Check out this wet, sloppy kiss Schmidt planted on the dictatorial regime:

"We look at the rise of China, the investment and the smart people and we are in awe of what has occurred here," Schmidt said.

"And we salute the government, key leaders in the industry and all of you who have made the rise of the Internet in China such a tremendous accomplishment."

Either it's all okay, or none of it is!

So Bill O'Reilly was right, sort of. Not that I'm buying the alleged "war on Christians," but there's certainly been a surrender to Muslim extremists.

"South Park" made that point brilliantly last night, via a mock Islamofascist propaganda film showing Jesus using the American flag as a toilet (which was preceded by a blacked-out image of Mohammed handing "Family Guy" a helmet topped with a dead salmon).

Homer: "It works on so many levels."

So it's okay to disrespect one religion but not another? Comedy Central says yes, as they've banned any depiction of Mohammed on their network. But Christ taking a shit ... big deal. Jerry Falwell hasn't threatened to kill us, so screw 'em.

Not that the fundamentalist leadership in this country would resort to violence, but they're certainly being encouraged to ratchet up the old persecution complex. Expect to hear plenty more bitching and moaning from that quarter in the days to come ... "The Battle Over Easter" is just the beginning.

Meanwhile, the First Amendment takes another hit. The Republican Guard protected Saddam more vigorously than we've defended free speech.

I never thought watching a show take on its network could be so entertaining, and instructive.

As for the episode within the episode: I was rooting for Cartman, but unfortunately the humorless non sequiturs will continue to fly on "Family Guy." Kill the manatees!

Cocktails at Azar's

I'll be making my first visit of the season to the Ted tonight, where the game-day atmosphere has no rival.

I've been to Wrigley, Fenway -- even old Comiskey Park -- yet nothing tops the environment on Hank Aaron Drive.

Al Kosa and I will start with dinner at the upscale Chinese eatery, Fuhwah, on historic Georgia Ave. Then, a quick trip across the street to the deck at Azar's, where we'll commiserate with scores of other Braves fans. Only baseball spoken there. And then ...

If you know of what and where I'm talking about, I assume you've detected the sarcasm by now. Remember when our city fathers (and mothers) touted a revitalization of the neighborhood around the Ted, post-Olympics? To be fair, they did leave us with that hideous metal contraption next to I-20 where the flame once burned (along with a deserted mini-golf course, a boondoggle if ever there was one).

It would seem there's money to be made from such a venture, but apparently no desire. Perhaps a new owner will recognize that refurbishing the area around the stadium might bring more fans downtown.

Think what it would be like had the city chosen to keep baseball on Ponce de Leon Ave., where the Atlanta Crackers played before major league ball ventured south?

We'd have our own Wrigley, or Fenway. A true neighborhood ballpark. Now the former home of Ponce de Leon Park is a mini-mall, marked by a solitary magnolia tree that once sat in center field. Whole Foods is nice, but nothing beats baseball in a vintage venue.

You can't blame Ivan Allen (then the city's mayor, and one of the leading champions of a "New South") for that. The old cookie-cutter model was the rage back then, and building Fulton County Stadium helped bring the Falcons to town.

Of course, I'm sure PdP Park would've been demolished by now, a common fate in the City Never Too Busy to Tear Down History.

Wal-Mart vs. free speech

Be careful which multi-billion dollar corporation you criticize.

Granted, Charles Smith's criticism is pretty tasteless, and over the top ... just the kind of thing protected by the First Amendment.

That hasn't stopped the retailer from filing suit in federal district court in Atlanta against the 48-year-old computer repairman from Conyers (Ga.) who compared Wal-Mart to the Holocaust. Smith is marketing "I (heart) Wal-ocaust" T-shirts, which he sells on his Web site.

Smith "seeks to cloak his illegal commercial activities under the mantle of the First Amendment" and is "tarnishing Wal-Mart's trademarks and business reputation," the company's court filing said. "Smith's tasteless enterprise demonstrates that he is attempting to profit from his repulsive wares, not merely expressing his misguided opinions about Wal-Mart."

Smith, for his part, admits the "Wal-ocaust" term is tasteless. But he and his attorneys, part of Ralph Nader's Public Citizen Litigation Group, believe this is now about more than one man's opinion of Wal-Mart.

Some nice irony here: no one had seemingly ever heard of Smith and his crusade, until now. He says he's sold only one T-shirt, for a $5.10 profit. I'm guessing he'll sell a lot more with all the ensuing publicity.

Better get back in the closet

No one seems to have much of a Tom Cruise tolerance these days, even an audience who voluntarily sat through a screening of the latest "Mission: Impossible" sequel. Usually an easy crowd, but not for Mister Maphother:

"There’s a scene where Tom gets beaten up pretty badly," says a Paramount insider. "And the test audience clapped. It was kind of weird. You’d think Tom’s people wouldn’t have allowed it to stay in the film."

"Tom's people" ... now that's gotta be a creepy crew.

It's not always what you say, but why you said it

Tiger Woods is in trouble for using a four-letter word word starting with "s." But it's not what you think.

"I was so in control from tee to green, the best I've played for years ... But as soon as I got on the green I was a spaz."

That's offended the cerebral palsy community ... not that they're complaining. But their advocates are.

"I would think that anybody in the disability community would see it as offensive," says Babs Johnson of National ADAPT, America's largest disability rights organization. "It would be looked upon as someone having a fit or seizure or something like that. Body movements that you're not able to control."

Doesn't intent matter anymore? Woods is about as measured and controlled an athlete as you'll find. He goes out of his way not to offend (particularly his sponsors). Does anyone really think he meant to bash the disabled?

I can see CP victims -- I'm sorry, people with CP -- not liking the word much. But instead of being offended, why not a gentle correction?

Better yet, why is an organization like ADAPT obsessing over what some golfer said? Maybe they should direct all their energies to finding a cure.

I can get you off heroin in three days!

"I think it's appalling that people have to live a life of drug addiction when I have personally helped people get off drugs."

--Renaissance nut Tom Cruise, who claims Scientology's detox program can cure addicts in 72 hours. Cruise declined comment when asked how long it takes for Scientology to "cure" homosexuals.

Parents of the year

And apparently they're having another child. A foster home couldn't be much worse than Daddy Federline:

ET has confirmed that the Department Of Children and Family Services called and asked for a sheriff's deputy to accompany DCFS investigators on Saturday around 1 p.m. to the home of BRITNEY SPEARS. A sheriff's Deputy Patrol went to the house with a DCFS investigator.

This is a DCFS investigation and the sheriff's department cannot release information regarding the investigation.

Christians sue for right to discriminate

No sarcasm in that headline. And sensational though it sounds, there's actually some merit in their claim, particularly in the case of Georgia Tech student Ruth Malhotra:

In their lawsuit against Georgia Tech, Malhotra and her co-plaintiff, a devout Jewish student named Orit Sklar, request unspecified damages. But they say their main goal is to force the university to be more tolerant of religious viewpoints. The lawsuit was filed by the Alliance Defense Fund, a nonprofit law firm that focuses on religious liberty cases.

Malhotra said she had been reprimanded by college deans several times in the last few years for expressing conservative religious and political views. When she protested a campus production of "The Vagina Monologues" with a display condemning feminism, the administration asked her to paint over part of it.

She caused another stir with a letter to the gay activists who organized an event known as Coming Out Week in the fall of 2004. Malhotra sent the letter on behalf of the Georgia Tech College Republicans, which she chairs; she said several members of the executive board helped write it.

The letter referred to the campus gay rights group Pride Alliance as a "sex club … that can't even manage to be tasteful." It went on to say that it was "ludicrous" for Georgia Tech to help fund the Pride Alliance.

The letter berated students who come out publicly as gay, saying they subject others on campus to "a constant barrage of homosexuality."

"If gays want to be tolerated, they should knock off the political propaganda," the letter said.

The student activist who received the letter, Felix Hu, described it as "rude, unfair, presumptuous" — and disturbing enough that Pride Alliance forwarded it to a college administrator. Soon after, Malhotra said, she was called in to a dean's office. Students can be expelled for intolerant speech, but she said she was only reprimanded.

Still, she said, the incident has left her afraid to speak freely. She's even reluctant to aggressively advertise the campus lectures she arranges on living by the Bible. "Whenever I've spoken out against a certain lifestyle, the first thing I'm told is 'You're being intolerant, you're being negative, you're creating a hostile campus environment,' " Malhotra said.

Granted, Malhotra sounds like your classic bigot. She is clearly intolerant. But that's her right. She's in no position of power. I don't feel harassed, just annoyed.

And patronized. If you're going to be a free speech absolutist, you're required to suck it up when the haters spew. Obviously, Malhotra is gifted at sticking her foot in her mouth. Let her keep doing it, instead of creating a martyr.

Otherwise, this is murky territory.

In a 2004 case, for instance, an AT&T Broadband employee won the right to express his religious convictions by refusing to sign a pledge to "respect and value the differences among us." As long as the employee wasn't harassing co-workers, the company had to make accommodations for his faith, a federal judge in Colorado ruled.

That same year, however, a federal judge in Idaho ruled that Hewlett-Packard Co. was justified in firing an employee who posted Bible verses condemning homosexuality on his cubicle. The verses, clearly visible from the hall, harassed gay employees and made it difficult for the company to meet its goal of attracting a diverse workforce, the judge ruled.

In the public schools, an Ohio middle school student last year won the right to wear a T-shirt that proclaimed: "Homosexuality is a sin! Islam is a lie! Abortion is murder!" But a teen-ager in Kentucky lost in federal court when he tried to exempt himself from a school program on gay tolerance on the grounds that it violated his religious beliefs.

"There really is confusion out there," said Charles C. Haynes, a senior scholar at the First Amendment Center, which is affiliated with Vanderbilt University. "Finding common ground sounds good. But the reality is, a lot of people on all sides have a stake in the fight."

At the heart of this story, though, lies yet another example of the national victimization crusade. Despite being the dominant group in this country, many Christians have become convinced they are routinely persecuted. A recent survey by the Anti-Defamation League found that 64% of American adults — including 80% of evangelical Christians — agreed with the statement "Religion is under attack in this country."

The Rev. Rick Scarborough, a leading evangelical, frames the movement as the civil rights struggle of the 21st century. "Christians," he said, "are going to have to take a stand for the right to be Christian."

Or, more to the point, the right to hate gays.

Still, I'll defend their right to say it (but not act on it). Let society monitor itself, and leave the spech codes to the propagandists.

Whatever happened to the heartbreak of psoriasis?

Do you suffer from toe twitching disorder, or leaking ear wax syndrome? What about chronic slothfulness? Certainly you have at least one medical dysfunction.

Experts from around the world will meet in Australia today to discuss what they have labelled "disease-mongering".

Female sexual dysfunction, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and "restless legs" syndrome have all been promoted by the pharmaceutical industry in the hope of selling more drugs, they say.

High cholesterol and osteoporosis-are being described as diseases in their own right, the researchers claim, turning healthy people into patients. In turn, this wastes precious resources and can cause medically-induced harm.

Even shyness is routinely presented as a "social anxiety disorder" resulting in the person being prescribed anti-depressants.

Drug companies refute the accusation.

GlaxoSmithKline said: "We pride ourselves in providing miracle solutions to the health care needs of people every day.

"We utterly refute any suggestion that we would in any way hype or overplay the very real needs of patients that are treated all over the world.

So now they're peddling miracles? They sound like some pushers I knew in a different life: "This is the best (blank) ever." The sole difference: profit margins.

Unintended consequence

The University of the Cumberlands in Williamsburg, Ky., has kicked out a sophomore because he revealed he was gay on his MySpace.com page, the Lexington Herald-Leader reported.

Why is this potentially promising news? Check out the student response:

"Everybody on campus is extremely upset about this," Jennifer Roberts, a Cumberlands senior, told the newspaper.

Roberts, who told the paper she is a close friend of (Jason) Johnson, described him as honest and trustworthy.

"I would consider Jason a Christian because so many of his values are Christian," she said. "He embodies everything a friend should be. A lot of people are suffering because he is not here."

The more these fundamentalists indulge their obsessession with homosexuality, the more people they turn off. When young Baptists are questioning authority, you know a revolution may be at hand.

Some students are publicly questioning the school's values, according to Renee Kuder, a friend of Johnson's.

Many wore shirts yesterday with "God loves my gay friends" printed on them and are waiting for Johnson to let them know the best response to the university.

"They're being hypocritical, by Christian standards," Kuder said. "If we love each other, accept each other for who we are, why are they kicking him out? I almost feel like they're trying to mold us, me, into a person that I wouldn't want to be.

"There's a letter in the student handbook that says everyone is a unique creation of God, you're special, we care about you. They didn't care if he didn't have a place to go. They could have pretty much ruined his life."

And a note to the college: If you're going to admit males into your theater arts program (Johnson was a drama major), count on having a few "defectives" slip through.

"We are different by design, and are nonapologetic about our Christian beliefs," said university president Jim Taylor in a written statement.

Yet another "Christian" with no concept of Christ.

Abandoning ship

Yet another GOP malcontent surfaces:

Newt Gingrich, the former Republican Speaker of the House, told students and faculty at the University of South Dakota Monday that the United States should pull out of Iraq and leave a small force there, just as it did post-war in Korea and Germany.

"It was an enormous mistake for us to try to occupy that country after June of 2003," Gingrich said during a question-and-answer session at the school. "We have to pull back, and we have to recognize it."